LONG ISLAND, NY. -- First things first. The vulvacious vixen gracing the background is a favorite of ours. Some time ago, the local RC parish -- St Martin of Tours -- turned over the keys of their grammar school (some say the kingdom as well; who knows?) to another entity, forcing the sainted sisters who toiled there to ply another trade. So, Sister Salacious here, wisely opted for a modeling career. Oh the shame of it all! Imagine. Such a bodacious hindquarter wrapped up relic-like in an oversized blue vestment for all those years. When she pulled the ripcord to unleash that thing for the sketching session, we really had to hustle to get the furniture out of the way -- and as a bonus we located the parishes' missing crucifix.

Are you a senior citizen? Not particularly mobile, but find that you must walk to the local store anyway? We believe that walk will do you good, build up those atrophying leg and heart muscles, not to mention those sclerotic lungs. That's why we have no, as in NADA, benches anywhere for you to rest your weary little legs. But please don't worry about all that exertion causing a health emergency; our crack EMS teams will do their utmost to get to you before you discover if another dimension exists. And there's the bonus of your misfortune giving us something to talk about. Waste not, want not.

But i'm not old you protest, I'm a teen just wanting to have some fun. We've got you covered. we've provided nowhere for you to go, and nothing for you to do. How's that you say? Some of you are just too fat, you eat too much junk food, and you don't get enough exercise. So, we've provided -- at a measly sixty-thousand dollars per anum per officer -- Nassaus Finest to harass, roust, and chase you from all your favorite haunts, otherwise, as you know, both you and they would have nothing to do -- and you get the health benefits from all that running. The old "two birds with one stone" trick. Brilliant eh?

Consider the creative aspect; it's kind of like "paintball" without the paint...or ball. You are forced to strategize, to devise tactics, to improvise; to both escape the Police and find a place to hang -- valuable lessons all. More importantly, we have the distinction of hosting, arguably, the highest paid police department in the country. Neat, huh?

Though not particular to our wonderful little hamlet, this is simply too inspiring to ignore, so let's momentarily diverge from the topic, OK? (Mouseover each image to read thier statements.)

This gentleman is our county executive; we're Sooooo proud of him! I'm sure you've all heard how difficult it is to spend vast sums of money. You saw the movie "Brewsters Millions?" Well our Honorable Mr. Gulotta burned a $250,000,000 hole in the budget without breaking a sweat. (516-571-3131 | tgulotta@mail.co.nassau.ny.us)

Our Nassau County Comptroller, Fred Parola. It was on his watch that the money went up in smoke, or out of the country; who knows, who cares. The important thing is that our collective breasts are bursting with pride over these two honchos. Thanks fellas! And kudos to the legislature. I heard thier snoring all the way from my home. It brings tears to my eyes just knowing they felt sufficiently comfortable and secure to catch some zzzzzzzzzzz's on the job. A close-knit community really is like family, isn't it? So, we also have some of the highest taxes in the country. Here in Deathpage, our competetive juices won't allow us to settle for second place in anything. (516-571-2386 | parola@nysnet.net)

And last is our very own intrepid county legislator, 17TH LD;can snore with the best of 'em. He fearlessly, tirelessly, and with unmatched compassion, watched while that giant wad of taxpayer dollars vanished. And nary a word about it. Now that's self-control; maybe a few lessons in financial magic from Richard Kessel? I don't know. A skilled politico, he plays his hand tight -- but that's what makes us feel so honored. (516-571-6217 | Emangano@mail.co.nassau.ny.us)

Here are the Deathpage Middle School and the Deathpage High School. Now most people are well aware of the irreplaceable value of a good education, and of course, here in Deathpage we take this responsibility seriously. I'm sure you're familiar with the educational phrase "falling or fell through the cracks." Well, we frown upon waste and inefficiency. We thought, if there are cracks, why not use them? In fact, our cracks are better described as chasms. Close them up you say? How pedestrian of you! You're not thinking outside the box. Recall those Deathpagian teens with nothing to do? Well they are also the same teens who normally fall through the cracks, but here they completely disappear in the chasm.

We've been so successful with this technique that 17 students from the class of 1993 have yet to be heard from. A pretty efficient way to be done with the dead wood, ya' think? Click here for a quick peek at loving school discipline in action.

Okay, let's move on to greener pastures, as in golf green. Here's the Deathpage State Park Golf Clubhouse, the first stop on your way to playing on one of five available courses. You can catch a buzz at one of its bars, or go ahead, get loopy, and go out and hook to your hearts content.

What the hell is all that chattering you say. Deathpage got a chipmunk problem? Has a family of macaque monkeys found a home here? Not to worry. It's just the latest manifistation of the Korean invasion. You know, like the seven year locusts or those pesky Japanese beetles -- not dangerous, just annoying. Now don't go reading into anything. I'm not saying I can't tell the difference between a Korean and a Japanese; we all know the Koreans wear snappier golf outfits. Like you, I only confuse their take-out menus.

Anyhow, in keeping with our efficiency theme, why don't you try entertaining youself like proper Deathpagian's do. Got a wicked slice? Put it good use and try clipping a Korean's ear with it. We've found that trying to understand Korean cuss words is both hilarious and educational.

We're so considerate here in Deathpage. What with the Oriental invasion and all, five 18-hole golf courses just doesn't cut it anymore. Being good hosts and neighbors, we decided to bulldoze the Deathpage State Park picnic area and baseball diamonds to build a sixth course until those lowbrow picnicers and gen-x biker/slackers managed to nix the idea. So narrow-minded. Don't they realize that trying to outpedal a town full of three-ton Ford Explorers is no picnic either?

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