Long Islands own resident monopolist, owner of CABLEVISION. The whine from his Bell Jet Ranger is a constant soothing reminder of the inflated cable television price we gladly pay to help insure the Dolans' have the best of everything. We won't stand for Redmond Washington being the only town hosting a monopolist entity either.
LIPA -- Long Island Power Authority -- fomerly LILCO (Long Island Lighting Company). No one in the world can match the accomplishments of LILCO. For one thing, we have for decades paid the highest prices for electricity in the country. That's NUMBER 1, bucko. And you thought the Yankees were special because they"ve won twenty-six World Series.
Unfortunately the transition from LILCO to LIPA was difficult. The sticking point was executive compensation. You see, Catacosinos -- the LILCO CEO at the time -- was simply irreplaceable. He had proven his worth and mirrored our own values some years ago. For example,
while he was vactioning in the Carribean, Hurricane Gloria blew into town and he refused to return to oversee the restoration of services. His act of bold leadership was remembered and duly rewarded some years later by allowing him to bail from LILCO with an eighty-six million dollar compensation package.
LILCO also gave us the Shoreham nuclear powerplant. But there was a problem. It was going to cost only 250 million dollars. We all cried foul. How can this be? So through years of sturm and drang, innumerable delays, and much needed cost overruns punctuated by the occasional reports of shoddy workmanship, the final price was increased to five billion dollars. 
Now I know you're thinking of the pride we must feel; and your right, we're honored. But LILCO wasn't finished -- literally. The plant never went online -- we never used it. Instead, we decommishoned it for 180 million dollars.
So, for approximately five billion dollars, we got...nothing, nada. Go ahead, just try to top that. You can't. But we can. There is a move afoot to recommission the mothballed plant. Ever the optomists, we're hoping we can top the original cost -- maybe leak a little radiation and give Love Canal or Three Mile Island some historic competition.
That's because we are a historic town. Deathpage was the hometown of the Grumman Corporation, designer of the LEM (Lunar Excursion Module) which landed men on the moon -- and the manufacturer of many fine Navy combat aircraft ever since the day the slopes bombed Pearl Harbor. But as all good things must end, so did this venerable company. But with true Deathpagian compassion, no one was fired or layed off; they were given the choice of being "riffed", (past tense of "rif", "reduction in force") or euthanised.
However, they were amply rewarded posthumously with a nice four by six inch pine plaque and a really cool F-14 Tomcat jacket patch for each of their surviving kin. After the ceremony each attendee received a complimentary hot beverage. Grumman and Deathpage were very well integrated -- a loving family -- as the depicted by the identical EKG's of both former employees and the company itself.
Are there some commodities you just can't seem to find in the local store? Items that may cause you and local law enforcement to spend the night filling out forms and posting bail?
Many nights our local 7-11 parking lot is teeming with teens and gen-x'ers who may be able to accomodate you. When you've finished with your transaction, just a few blocks away is D.A.D.A., Deathpage Against Drug Addiction (known also as PEOPLE) -- thus allowing you to deal with both aspects of your substance abuse issue in one trip. That's efficiency. That's community. That's caring. That's Deathpage.
Towns come, towns go, towns grow, towns blow. Deathpage, laying claim to the last two attributes, recently had to deal with a post office one size too small. 
Putting our collective mullets together, we determined that our current post office was centrally located, as virtually all P.O's are. Unwilling to be slaves to such traditional thinking, we moved ours to the very outskirts of the town, just a few meters from our neighbor, Hicksville.
Are you thinking, "Hey, that's not efficient!" Recall our concern with senior citizens health and well-being? Our own breaking study has indicated that a local walk, sans benches of course, may not provide sufficient exertion to mitigate the collapse of their creaking bones.
We concluded that a brisk five mile walk, especially during inclement weather, will push them to their physical limits -- ensuring a state of sheer exhaustion. Now they'll be too tired to concern themselves with insufficient SSI checks and subsequent bare cupboards. I'm sure you see both the efficiency and the brilliance of this plan. We're currently lobbying the Federal government to view this as a pilot program, with the intention of exporting it to other communities across the nation. It's that history thing again.
That's it for now. We've miles to go before we sleep, stories to write that'll make you weep. Stay tuned, stop back soon. A slug of mylanta should help with the nausea; a pint of Wild Turkey should help you forget.
