| NAME | SIZE | FAVORITE BLOATED CELEB | WORDS/MIN | CALORIC INTAKE/HR | COLONIC THERAPY | GOSSIP INDEX |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Steimer | Beastly | Roseanne | 1100 | 8200 | X | 10 |
| Stieger | Whale | Liz Taylor | 840 | 7000 | X | 9 |
| Shindamo | Bloated | John Goodman | 925 | 4700 | X | 10+ |
| Ryan | Inflated | Brando | 930 | 3500 | X | 9 |
Houston, we have a problem. While roping a particularly large specimen, our intrepid reporter's lasso snapped, causing the Grendel to topple over on him, crushing both his testicles. Insurance costs what they are, we were fortunate that his ballacks were dimensionally equivalent to a foos ball, thus allowing us to get replacement parts at the local K-Mart sports department. The prognosis is good, though he'll have to deal with that clacking sound when he moves quickly, and will, over the short term, require daily massage therapy. If any of you girls would like to volunteer, drop us an e-mail. So, for the moment, our chart remains incomplete. Pity, I know, but don't worry, be happy, 'cause we'll bust our collective nates to rectify the problem.
